Thursday, October 21, 2010

Airports- Hello third world

I now know why my parents decided to drive everywhere when we were kids- the easy answer would be “economical” reasons…nope I’d say its because they raised flight risks.  I, for one,  am a fuckin flight risk to myself.  I’m like that pig who falls off the slaughter line, only to squirm away right before being delivered to his maker; I am all over the fuckin place.  Are they made to feel like I’m being herded to my slaughter?  Cause these “moon walkers'” lazily guiding me along my way? All I need is a chopping block at the end and I'll oink.  Who are all these people and where the fuck is everyone going on a Thursday?! Does anyone work a full week anymore? (myself included) The airport is one giant panic attack waiting to happen for me, and I keep fanning the flame by buying more and more coffee (mmm frappes…) At this point I’m damn near shaking as I thumb the keys, waiting at the terminal.  Airports are by far the closest we’ve come to an Orwellian society- “yes faceless voice over the loud speaker, I will oblige…Walk, sit, stay, board”  That or else it’s a free man’s prison- obey the rules, maintain eye contact to prove dominance, biggest have free reign, security guards, must follow orders, etc..Cause I def mean mug the shit outta everyone! Esp if youre the douche with your Bluetooth attached to your blackberry talking to some phony on the other end with your 40 year old wife dressed head to toe in “pink” clothing- bitch you're forty, they made that for 15 year olds! Pink’s not helping those damn wrinkles or your sagging boob’s…(that’d be victoria secret) I now know why rappers make songs “last real nigga” alive- life is a game of pretending.  Pretending you’re happy, pretending you’re important, pretending you’re talking to someone, pretending you’re reading, pretending you’re interested….I wonder what the success rate is for guys who spit game at the airport? What’s the success rate look like, 0.05%? And that’s for head, I'd say no more than 2% for full on penetration. Either way, it's gotta be microscopic, tho I might bump it up to 10 percent given the amount of women dressed to impress (I'm looking at you, tits hanging out of your lacey black bra) Do airports just feed peoples fantasies about “anonymous sex”? Why again am I thinking of this? (Attention deficit disorder you have your poster child) I hate the small talk that happens in airports (or any sizable social gathering for that matter) Some 40 year old, outta shape, bluetoothed dude's rocking J's- I'm talking the Jordan 11's, the sickest pair (hands down)..So you know I give dude a compliment, let him know “nice shoes man (resisted the urge to drop a “bro”,somehow) He then forces awkward compliment about my “sweet” computer background,, which happens to be the factory background, which while nice, is lame as shit...Right then, I gave up on airport conversation. Oh Christ, international guy next to me, you didn't have fuckin leukemia...”the kind where you only have 1% chance to live”...dude you're prematurely balding, you didn't have leukemia..Now he's talking about some doctor using witchcraft to cure cancer..is it a crime to smash his accented face against the linoleum? I feel like the courts should have a douche rating to crimes- “your honor, he was lying about having a terminal disease to impress a old bag of bones with 3 year old botox and a well, a cute girl- he rates a 9 on the douchemeter” Judge: “I'll allow it”...He just said the witchcraft”left him hung as a horse..Ha Ha Ha” (insert annoying fake laugh) I hope you go home with the bigger older lady and you waft the sweet smell of mothball's as you excitedly munch rug you uber-douche.. Is that the game here? Make up outlandish, attention stealing lies that you confidently pass off to random strangers? Amtrak I heart you right now...

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